Friday, May 14, 2010

Sexy or Scary: The Aggressive Factor

Just a few nights ago, I had the pleasure of being out after work to grab a quick drink with a good friend, Tasha. It was a really impromptu thing so we were both less than polished -- and ended up at one of the trendiest spots in the city, filled with gorgeous men and very attractive pro-athletes. In short, a dream scenario for most women... Except for the fact that we weren't quite prepared for the scene. 

However, the story here isn't about either one of us. Instead, it was about a woman seated two tables over, who, while appropriately dressed, was loud in personality and exuded an overwhelming confidence to the point of arrogance. Don't misunderstand -- I appreciate a little swagger as I've mentioned before... But never have I been impressed with over the top behavior, and this woman, with her exaggerated walk, hair, make-up and laugh was trying HARD to capture the attention of the people around us. 

In any event, when one star athlete walks outside to begin taking publicity photos, this woman gets up from her rather large group, runs over to where the athlete and the photographer are, and puts her arm around his waist. She tells him she's photogenic and would love a couple of images with him that she thinks will add a nice touch. Soon, she's being snapped left and right with this guy holding her tight and clearly appreciating just how hard she was flirting with him. 

At the end of the session, she pretty much hovers over him, hands on his chest and arms, and then strolls back to the table only to tell the people she's with that she's got a date lined up with him. 

Her: So I have a date, I have a date!

Her Friend: Oh, that's great! When?

Her: Well he's going to call me to figure it out. 

Now, whether or not he's called her? Couldn't tell you. How attractive she was? Also irrelevant.  However, here what I did ask myself is whether that worked enough to prompt him to call her. In turn, this raises the question of whether aggressiveness really does land the guy.

There are a couple of ways to think about this. For example, not too long ago I engaged in the discussion of the lengths a guy goes through to get a woman into bed, concluding that from one angle, it's about the thrill of the game. And it could have been for her, too. However, when the woman is aggressive and strikes because of the superficial... Is it about a thrill? Is that confidence? Does that get her noticed? Moreover, does a man respond to that?

As a woman, I know for a fact that I don't respond to pushy men. Confidence, yes, but not pushy. That's one fine line, but distinguishable. 

Overall: Essentially it's OK to be assertive when you want something. All for it. However -- and this is just a shot in the dark -- I would think playing it cool while holding your own would go a lot further. It just seems to show control. And maybe it's me, but I would think a guy would find it hot to pursue a woman who just knows she's fly...

To illustrate the point, might I recommend a song? Check out "Miss Independent", Ne-Yo

Photo Credit: PhotoXpress/Lev Dolgatshjov

Monday, May 10, 2010

Let's Get Physical (But No Attachments, Please)

In playing the dating game, conventional wisdom has dictated that it isn't possible for women to have sex without forming an emotional attachment to their partner -- unlike men who can do it freely, separating the act from the emotion. And generally, even for myself, I'll admit that I more or less accepted this as a reality in dating. Not to say that I assume love is the next step after intimacy. However, I'd be lying if I said that in one or two specific cases when I started actively dating, I wasn't a bit disappointed with how things turned out -- it being not much more than a good time. I was late to the lesson that sex doesn't equal relationship. But once I learned it, I kind of nailed it down into my brain never to be forgotten again.

Anyway, I bring this up because just this weekend, I spent a bit of time catching up with Laurie, a friend and old colleague of mine. I hadn't seen her in a while and she was giving me the download on the latest in her life: a guy she'd met with whom she felt there would be no promise of long-term... But with whom she'd decided to just sleep with instead. "Since I know he's not the one for me," she'd said, "I don't see why I just can't have fun with it."

Now this one made me think a bit. Truth is, that while both men and women engage in sex without running down the altar all the time, does it mean we should? 

That depends. If you can be realistic about what sex is, have a clear understanding of the feelings you and other person do and don't have on each other AND not impose meanings on it other than those of the moment, then I don't see why not. That requires being in tune with your partner and the situation to avoid any possible disappointments.

But really, should we?  

What I've Learned: Sex has the importance you impose upon it. So, if the feelings are real, then sex will undoubtedly be more than just a physical act. However, that said... When you're doing the dating thing, I don't think there's anything wrong with just enjoying the act itself if you have the chemistry and enjoy the other person's company.

No doubt that sex is complicated enough without all physical and emotional things that come into play. Personally, I like to take the approach of selective fun. That is, getting to know a guy a bit, consider the head space I'm in (relationship mode, fun, etc.) and act that way. I guess it gives me a chance to examine my own feelings and make every effort I can to check myself. And, it's something I work on whenever I start dating someone new.

But, either way, what matters most is weighing the pros and cons -- then, make the final call yourself.

Photo Credit: PhotoXpress/