Well, let's think about. More often than we should, we accommodate the bad boys (this includes but is not limited to: drunks, cheaters, workaholics, emotionally distant, socially awkward, commitment-phobes, verbally or emotionally abusive, narcissistic... Well you get it). But in reality, what say we really want are the good ones, which we need to spot through the blinders (this includes but is not limited to: hard workers, family-oriented, passionate, sensitive, loyal, patient, responsive, good-listeners, etc.) Ah, if only.
And then there are times when you need to tread lightly when you're not sure off the bat. (Kind of like the situation with Jason -- need a little time to figure out IF he fits into my life.)
Theoretically, we should all be able to tell the difference. But what if other things, like physical attractiveness, status and chemistry blind our paths? It's easy to be seduced by great clothes, amazing bodies, impressive jobs and salaries, material things or passionate sex... But how about the things that last when these things change, go away, or lose their shiny factor?
The question here? How realistic are we about our expectations of a potential mate just because of what they "seem" to offer? Sometimes, it's like we assume that because a potential mate has all these "sexy, desirable" qualities, then it makes them mate material. Do "desired" qualities like job or education or money equate to a loyal, trusting partner? Absolutely not. Of course they're nice-to-haves (or must-haves, depending on how strongly you feel about it); and of course, it doesn't mean that mates that have all this wouldn't be great partners. It just means we should pay closer attention to what we really want (which is something Andrea Syrtash addresses in her book, "He's Just Not Your Type" -- good read!) and NOT love the drama with the ones that we know could never be.
Personally, I still struggle with being honest with myself. But by looking both ways before I cross the street -- that is, weeding out the good from the bad and knowing what doesn't work -- maybe I can skip all these red and yellow lights (the guys that will never be) and get a green light -- a clear the path for someone who will be the best fit. Maybe.
Novel idea!
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The biggest impediment to our attaining happiness pertains to our famous inability to see that the behavior that attracts us is actually the result of a trait that probably operates in other facets of this person's persona and then to hone in on the potential ramifications of that trait in the rest of our lives. The second is our overwhelming and ill-advised ability to assume that whatever we're seeing that could adversely affect our happiness won't apply to us due our prowess at changing people. The final horsemen in this trio is our unwillingness to leave people as they are and ask nothing more of them than what we see, which when you think about it is actually all they're offering.
We complain about the known bad boy not RESPECTing a marriage or relationship. Then we complain that studious and bookish folk are aloof and distant. Will the class clown be accused of being silly and never taking anything seriously down the road? Probably, just like the guy who's admired for being an excellent businessmen is accused of being a poor family man. When was he selling that in the first place.
The sad fact is all the "bad" cat ever sold was "badness" but its exciting. Yet, you can't keep a roof over one's head with "exciting". "Boring" and "predictable" pays the bills but then its boring right. So then even what we consider a good catch can end up being bad and the only thing that makes anyone bad or good is whether or not we're getting what we decided we should from them.
If we could be honest about our compulsion to see people in terms of their potential to make us happy, it would be easier to see and assess everything that's there in front of us. Unfortunately most of us can't be honest with ourselves and admit that as beautiful, successful or whatever someone else, is/was, we couldn't bare the thought of not giving them the opportunity to make us happy. No one ever has their list of things they need to change in themselves to make the other person happy. No one even ask if the other person would actually be happy were they to change in the ways we prescribe necessary for them to make us happy. Whether the person is a good catch or not is never an honest assessment when it begins we our creating an expectation for someone else; an expectation we plan to hold them accountable for.
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