Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Heart Lockdown

Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It may be pretty safe to assume that at one point or another, most of us have formed snap judgments on someone based on how they're dressed, how they carry themselves or even who they're with. Whatever it is, we immediately allow ourselves to run with all sorts of theories and speculations, which seem much more appealing over the realities.

It's this "ability"-- the one of making abrupt assessments -- that I constantly work on, especially in dating. While I've gotten tons better in the last couple of years, it does have its moments when it rears its head. In those cases, I find myself quickly cutting something off early, if only to protect myself and my heart. To do this, I find a reason that it can't work so I'm not disappointed when/if things do fail. I guess I see it as a way of keeping tough.

Anyway, I find myself coping with these feelings specifically with an old flame, Jason, with whom things just...Faded. Not "ended," not "broken up," not "bad" -- but just faded. In all honesty, I was bummed when that happened and for a while even believed that he could have meant quite a bit to me. We met after I'd gotten out of a relationship, then dated for a short while before taking a long hiatus while we both took up with other people... Then, when we got back on track, we had a great time for a little while, but it just never seemed like the right time for either one of us. And things genuinely felt real between us. Back then, anyway. Now we're taking about seeing each other again and even though I hadn't taken him seriously before, he keeps reaching via e-mails and texts in the hopes of winning me over.

There is a part of me that's been nursing some serious wounds from past situations and protecting my heart by conjuring up theories for his motives: He's gotten out of something, that's why he's free to pursue me again... Or, he'll be like the last couple of non-relationships and disappear with time.... Or, he's putting all this effort simply to get me into bed. But the rational side of me is balancing out the negative by trying to not make him responsible for any experiences before him -- at least, not before I've had a chance to really assess his motives.

What it boils down to? It's about telling the difference between a relationship that went sour and a relationship that didn't have a chance to happen. And, it's about being careful with how tightly we keep the padlock on our hearts so that we can let the ones with potential through.Essentially, put the baggage away. You can't make everyone pay for the mistakes of one.

The jury is out on this situation with Jason. Truth is, I'm still ruled by thinking about the dark side before the positive and learning how to balance my extreme fear with ideas on what my perfect match should look like. But as I talk to him, I'm trying something a little different: giving it a little more time before I make the call of which side of the fence he falls on. After all, there's no way of being loved without surrendering yourself to it, now is there? That much I know.

In the meantime, I'll keep the lock fastened on my heart, with the key not too far away -- just in case. After all, he's still got a lot of work to do if he expects to get anywhere. (smile)

Photo Credit: PhotoXpress

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