Friday, April 9, 2010

For Love of the Game

Just recently, I'd received simple advice given to me in order to process why it's easy to fall back on old flames: when someone shows you who they are, believe them. But, in a recent conversation with a friend, I realized that I could take that same advice to dissect male behavior.

Earlier this week, I had an awesome chat with my friend Tim, trying to understand why a man I went out with (and thought I had a good time with) had tried so hard to impress me on a date, just end up disappearing. Now, don't get it twisted. I am completely in tune with the disappearing acts guys play. However, what I wanted to get at the heart at was the efforts a guy goes through to bed a woman. I mean, why put in so much labor if the plan is ultimately to pull a "hit it and quit it" kind of thing?

Granted, I can think about it logically. But from my personal perspective, I don't put in too much labor for something I don't intend to keep for very long. To me it seems like energy wasted. But, of course, I like to work for what I want because it means a little more.

While Tim pointed out that the things my date did were ultimately designed to seduce me, neither he nor I could comprehend the reason for his disappearance before the situation between us got sexual. And, while I later speculated that it had more to do with what happened in his life, like an old flame coming back (my guess), I was intrigued by Tim's interpretation of the lengths a guy will go through to get a woman into bed.

Essentially, he make it a point to say that no matter the tactic (like the origami flower I received during my date over the traditional flowers), a guy is always trying to get you into bed.

"You should always assume that our goal is to get you into bed," he said. "Whatever we say. Even if it seems like we're being patient, it is a tactic, to show we have self-control and allow you ladies to push the envelope."

Ouch.

"I do think guys can speed up the process if they're patient," he continued. "Giving her the choice."

"And you ultimately want to get her into bed," I asked.

"Sure," he replied. "If that isn't the point then why date? Men can't connect with a woman emotionally without sex."

"Then if you're trying to bed her," I asked, "Why is getting her into bed soon a bad move?"

"Well," he noted. "It's not exactly. There's no exact answer. Too many variables. If it happens, the only thing I'm wondering is whether I enjoyed myself enough to do it again."

Hmm. Lots of food for thought with opinions like this. But, what seems to make the most sense to me is that simply... it's about the thrill of the game. So if he has to work a bit, it's like he's earned something. Which is why the chase is so fun... For the idea of winning piece by piece, until you feel like you've won. Which makes the sex much more interesting -- when you're invested in the win.

Sounds kind of like closing a deal or getting the job of your dreams. Once you know it's yours, it's like little rush of power.

And the power of the one being chased is to roll with it and be you but always hold a little back. That shows strength and gives the other a chance to come back.

Of course, if you are motivated by one thing, then the rest of this is pointless. But that's another post altogether.

What is it about holding out? Does that always make it better?

Photo Credit: Ann Triling/PhotoXpress


Bonus: And, for a chuckle, one of my favorite Friends episodes -- the pilot -- and all about when Monica gets "tricked into bed" by Paul, the Wine Guy. Enjoy it on You Tube! (After the 3 minute mark!)

4 comments:

  1. I think your friend has a good point. Sex helps men connect emotionally. This happened to me a lot too---men would disappear before we even got to that part. Maybe waiting a few dates was just too long? Anyway, I still don't know the answer. I think your gut is right and that another girl came into the picture. Usually this is what happens---nothing to do with you, more to do with who is available.

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  2. Hmm. Available... I thought I made it clear that I wanted him, so I guess in my mind I was available... Unless he was emotionally unavailable to me, which I guessed he was (he was fresh off the break-up boat). Either way, I get the sense that a man has already decided whether he's sleeping with you early on in the game so if he disappears then does that mean he's not interested? Maybe... Or maybe just more interested in something else. But disappearing is also about fear, I would wager.

    Sometime soon though, I'm going to have to revist why it is I seem to come right before the man that finds "the one." :-) Does ever woman find that to be the case or is it just me?

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  3. "...why a man I went out with (and thought I had a good time with) had tried so hard to impress me on a date, just end up disappearing..." The effort involved does not mean there's a lingering value or pressure to close the deal. We all at one point or other work on jobs that we can't stand at least for the moment or put up with the seeming intolerable to further fund dinner and the rest of our lifestyle. Do we say anything like "Wow, after all I had to put up with to buy this meal..." or suit or shoes? Nope, we do not associate the effort and barriers involved in setting up a situation to the situation...necessarily. We just kind of eat and either the food is good or bad, but the experience of acquiring the food is not linked to enjoying it.

    What we perceive as effort, isn't always. A girl who bakes all the time (are there any left), can throw a cake or pie together without even thinking about it. A guy meeting her for the first time may assign effort to the cake he receives from her and so feel honored. Yet that's a perception he chose to have. She just kind of bakes and will do it for anyone or any occasion. He becomes smitten and is hurt when she doesn't feel the same and he's probably thinking, "but she cooked me a cake". So, and?! Of course, make no mistake. If she has the feelings and he not, suddenly the cake required great effort. See how that works.

    I wouldn't agree to the 'assume we are always trying to get the ladies in bed' thing because the accompanying logic of 'all chics are gold diggers' becomes true. Jade is an excellent jewel but a poor mindset.

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  4. @Aurelius: I must admit, I love your comments and feedback on the blog! It definitely is a great opportunity to flesh out thoughts and look at things from a different point of view...

    A couple of thoughts:

    You remark: "Do we say anything like 'Wow, after all I had to put up with to buy this meal...' or suit or shoes? Nope, we do not associate the effort and barriers involved in setting up a situation to the situation...necessarily. We just kind of eat and either the food is good or bad, but the experience of acquiring the food is not linked to enjoying it."

    -- To that, I would say it can go both ways. If you haven't eaten all day and crave this one particular dish, the second you sit down, doesn't it taste just a bit better because of the hassle you went through to have it? I know if after a long day, all I crave is a dirty martini and then I have it, it's a little sweeter to enjoy because after the long day I've earned it. Similarly (and while I readily acknowledge I am not the norm), I find that I don't bust my butt unless I need to see it through. Ideally, effort should or is expected to come with some type of reward, be that satisfaction or any other.

    That said, I recognize that what we do consider effort isn't always. But, I know I would not put in more than more than I have to -- just so they don't get the wrong idea so soon into it.

    And your last point is very valid. It came from a friend and so I felt it appropriate to include. However, it was an interesting perspective so I wanted to include.

    Thanks so much for your thoughts and I hope you keep reading. Working on my latest post to go up later tonight -- it's been a rough week.

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