Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Non-Negotiables

Just this week, Marisol and I were having some dinner when we spent some time talking about one of her colleagues, Shelly (who I've been out with before), and some of her recent dating experiences. This opened up the floodgates for Marisol and I to discuss the deal breakers. You know -- what you will not give on when dating someone. 

Later that night and since then, I've found myself thinking about that very thing. What are my "deal breakers" when dating someone?

Truth is, I think it's a good thing to have those set things you need in a companion: if you know yourself, then you know what you will and won't be happy with -- thus reducing the chances of you lowering your standards. What good is it if you compromise what you want for what you think you can live with? That's no fun.

For me, based on the plethora of stories I've shared on this blog, I've started to consider the times I've compromised, and the times I haven't yielded, realizing that I've been too extreme on either side (too flexible or too unyielding). These days, I find myself shutting down so I don't have to choose at all. 

Either way you go, you set the pace for your own dating fate when you set up too many non-negotiables. So, it may be worth to examine them if you have 'em -- or create them if you don't -- so you're doing the weeding process you need to do for you... It's hard enough to find a mate without us complicating it for ourselves. 

Gotta love the dating rollercoaster.

Photo credit: Photoxpress/mearicon


  1. It is great to have standards but its not always easy to live with them. Our love lives are too much like high blood pressure or diabetes. You don't stop eating those pork ribs or the triple chocolate cake because you want to. You do it because you have to. Unfortunately knowing that its not good for you isn't enough to stop the cravings and the longing.

    Taking a pass on someone because of a standard doesn't have the same closure as a relationship seen to a more natural conclusion. In your mind and sometimes sadly in your heart these people seem as half open or closed doors in the halls of your life and you don't know which because you didn't see it through. If your only defense against these people is knowing that they're not good for you, good luck.

    I have one where it was the education. Not so I could feel good about what might come out of her mouth in mixed company. No she needed it for her and she didn't see that. I interpret education as value statement. Doesn't have to be Harvard but pick up a book sometime please. If anyone ever loved me she did and my mind and memory can turn towards her in a way that haunts me fiercely. Some would say it was wrong of me, but she really was too uneducated and we clashed, because she was strong willed, proud and often wrong. It was a battle and at the same time I could love a room because she was in it and loved to just drink her in I don't care if she were sleep or pouring Kool Aid. In the end it was moments of bliss that is the cheese cake or pork ribs ending with a stay in the hospital for a week.

    I see her from time to time, sometimes even in the same room I won't talk to her nor she me, because on some levels I wasn't good for her. She would do anything for me and for a minute I was too weak and yes selfish to let her go. She has many good qualities but for me they were rapped in hell. When it worked which was never it was great, we loved each other's presence. My overall happiness was non-existent and yes I learned all this because I ignored what seems to many a callous and uppity standard and that was already in place.

  2. I use this:

    If a guy doesnt hit at least 75%, I dont even bother!

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