Friday, March 19, 2010

A Dating State of Mind

When I was a kid, my mother would tell me that positive thinking brings about positive things. And, if you told yourself you couldn't do it, then you would inherently set yourself up to have things not work in your favor.

Well, twenty some odd years later that still makes me smile. At the same time, I've found it strangely applicable in my life. If I thought in a positive manner about something and worked towards it, then somehow, things would play out in a positive way. Granted, things like circumstance and chance play into it.  But somehow it all unfolds how it should.

Now, today, I find myself thinking about it in the dating context, reflecting on the last few men I've dated and the particular stages I was at my life. When I felt less than great about myself, I tended to date slick, smooth-talking or good looking guys that offered little substance. The thought process here was if someone looked that good, I couldn't be doing all bad, right? Emotions and persona would come later...

On the flip side, when things are working well in my life, I tend to meet confident, ambitious men who have a lot going for them. 

Essentially, it was my state of mind that men were picking up on -- is she about herself? Is she confident? Is she needy? Is she too drama filled? These were either turn-ons or turn-offs... And made all the difference between a guy that I would want asking for my number, or a man that thinks he can pull a fast one on me because I'd let him.
What it comes down to is that attitude matters just as much as looks, if not more. I know that I typically prefer men that are put together and sharp... But, if I'm not feeling that way, how can I expect to attract a guy of the same caliber?

Lesson here (that I keep reminding myself) is that once you feel as good as you can about you, only then can you be good for someone else.  Besides, wouldn't you want someone getting the best you have to offer?

I know I would. 

Image Credit: Michael Roder/PhotoXpress


  1. "Opposites Attract" type wisdom is only looking at the surface. Compatible pairings attract and take note of each other and make it happen. Compatibility for a women with low self esteem is someone that's going to bring put downs, insults and sadly the smack down to the party.

    The people and things we attract and ALLOW in our lives are a reflection of the health of our souls. You must be, what you want to get, because in the end what you have, is what you are. How does a women consistently attract men that abuse her? Another way to ask this question is, how was she able to completely ignore all the good men she passed up, that would have been beneficial to her life and instead only allow in men that would harm her?

    No matter where we go, all kinds of people are in every room, club, church or function we go to. Our eyes/souls only notice the ones, that will give us the reality we expect, because that window we speak of for the soul is two-way. People with low self esteem have a difficult time accepting compliments because the unfortunate truth is they don't believe what's being said. A "good guy" trying to date a damaged women really has no chance, as she'll turn down a thousand straight to find that one cat that's going to bring what she feels she due. If however he has some kind of damage, they will hook up, his friends and loved ones will watch him go down. Perhaps he is some kind of victim but in truth, he's getting the hell and chaos that he seems to think he deserves. The strange thing is compatible pairings only see each other. This is why women who've never been hit by a man never get hit, they can be in the same room, but they can't "see" each other in the relationship sense.

    I've watched cats with overbearing mothers consistently find women that order them around. Yeah, its sad we can fall into these traps as well. A good friend of mine kept asking me why he keeps "attracting" overbearing women? Having been a fixture of his life for a minute my question to him was why he ignored the girls that would have required him to be a man. In the end its not even about a women like his momma, its just about getting told what to do.

    More people should do what you mentioned and evaluate not only who they're dating but who catches their eye, who does not, and what's going on in their life to make ordinarily unattractive people attractive. Put that way, it would seem that the risky or addictive behaviors discussed in substance abuse and gambling play out in others ways. Great post.

  2. Thanks so much @Aurelius! I appreciate your thoughts and you shard some great insight. And I think you made an excellent point about how addictive behaviors would play out... Good analogy.