"...I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal I cannot be comprehended except by my permission..." - Nikki Giovanni, "Ego Tripping"
While my tastes in men have evolved since I started dating, one thing that has pretty much been consistent has been my preferences for men with a little bit of swagger. Simply put, I prefer men with an air of confidence and maybe, even just a touch of arrogance. Not dripping and overpowering, mind you. Just enough so that (1) he always projects a sense of strength to anyone he meets and (2) isn't intimidated by how challenging I may get or how strong-willed I am.
Anyway, the objects of my affection have embodied some semblance of this confidence in different ways. For example, I was infatuated with Vincent in high school because he was the coolest guy in my class: well-liked, popular and always dated upperclassmen. The thought of landing him was a catch in and of itself. And I was drawn to that allure and the confidence he projected.
Since then, most of the men in my life have been the same way, which was quite fine by me. However, I started to wonder that after spending some more time with Jackson this weekend.
As you may know, Jackson and I have been on a little bit of a spin the last couple of weeks. First, we had a great meeting and date... Then it ends rather quickly... And then we take another run at it. But now, it's a hung jury -- mainly because the quality I'd loved so much in past flames is... Well, a little overdeveloped in Jackson.
So, I made plans to see him on Friday night, which went well: really low key, nice glass of wine, good chatter and some warm comfort. In short, a lovely night between friends.
Anyway, after falling asleep, I woke up the next morning happy with the night before. So, when we started talking about dating and hook-ups, Jackson made it a point to say that for some reason, women have never been able to just "hook-up" with him. Somehow, attachment always gets in the way (mentally and emotionally), and that he manages to establish a strong physical connection with women, even if his "performance" is sub-par. In short, he's just good at being him...
Now, I could appreciate confidence in what you bring to the table -- physically or otherwise. However, his tone and arrogance had instantly turned me off, making me much less attracted to him in a matter of moments. I suddenly felt like he'd reduced our connection to this one-sided thing in which I would helplessly be fawning all over him. And while I had indeed been swept away in our meeting and initial encounters, in my mind, it was directly connected to the vibe I was feeling between us -- not because of a magical spell I was under.
I don't think I misunderstood what he was trying to say. But, I admit that it actually disappointed me and to some extent made me a bit self-conscious about us. And I'm thinking that's not so good...
I mean, what could explain why he'd feel the need to say that? Now that's the part that's tripping me out...