Sunday, January 24, 2010

Games Boys Play

How honest would you want someone to be with you about what they want?

Part of the problem in the dating world are the games we all play. You know what I'm talking about. Meeting someone, thinking you've forged a connection... And the anticipation after the encounter, wondering if you'll hear from them again, if they were into you... Only to be followed by intense disappointment when it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.

Now, off the bat -- and forgive me for this -- this is something that more directly seems to apply to the ladies. As much as I believe that women can and should be empowered to go after what they want in the dating world, by and large, it's women who are more likely to fuss over a guy that doesn't call over a man that doesn't hear from a girl after he's given her his number.

That said, it doesn't mean that a woman wouldn't be open to honesty. Or at least, that's what a conversation with my girls Marisol and Caroline revealed this evening. We were sitting in Caroline's living room when it all came out, after Marisol shared with us that she was disappointed that Karaoke Boy failed to call her after their meeting the previous weekend. And that's when the floodgates opened, leading to a bunch of random tales and rant sessions that can only happen among your girls. Then, she asked a simple question: "Why ask for my number if you don't plan to use it? I would much rather prefer a guy be straight up than to play games. At least that's honest and I don't waste my time trying to get to know him to only find out he only wants to hook up."

While Caroline didn't quite feel she'd want the kind of honesty Marisol was talking about, I have to admit that I did get Marisol's point -- and I agreed. Soon, I found myself thinking back to times I met a guy, had him ask for my number only never to call and wondering why he even bothered in the first place. Isn't it just more honest to put everything on the table and see if she'd even be game for what's he up to? These days, it seems that both sides can play that game.

I know that many people wouldn't want to hear that someone only wants them for one thing. But, I would imagine it would be just as damaging to the ego to not hear from the guy whom you thought was totally into you over those cranberry vodkas you had until four in the morning, convinced he was just as into you as you were into him. And the non-call makes it loud and clear that the intentions weren't mutual.

As long as the human species continues to date, this will always be an issue. But I'd like to make a small plea to start cutting through the bull, and level on what it is you want. Who knows? Without the game playing, you may end up getting what you really want from a person who thinks the same way sans the drama.

Unless you're into your life playing out like a 90210 love triangle.

Image Credit: Agent Double Deuce


  1. I read this story recently that shed some light on the reason a guy asks a girl for her number and then doesn't call back:’t-call/comment-page-1/#comment-8

    Most of the time, it has nothing to do with us, so we shouldn't spend so much time agonizing over how it happened. It's easier to just move on, even if we are disappointed.

  2. Great point, Kelly! And thanks for sharing the story. I guess it just seems illogical as to why even bothering. I know that for me personally, I just wouldn't even bother. But then in reading the post you sent through, it seems to make a lot of sense and appears to boil down to one element: ego.

    Either way, I guess it's part of the process of finding the one...

  3. I disagree with Kelly's point conditionally. The condition would be for the men that this post inaccurately describes their behavior. We are no different or rather no less complex than the ladies. I've gotten a number a time or so in the moment but, as with opening brand new clothes at home only to find they lack the magic they had in store; very often the next day's memory of the encounter doesn't match up with the remembered heat of the encounter. The heat could be attributed to cognac or even just the euphoria of being out with the guys away from whatever work and responsibility or just being in an unreasonably good and yes magnanimous mood. Can it be hurtful, potentially but given that there's no sincere emotion favorable, a non call in this instance is a great favor and service rendered ladies. Still, this is not unlike married women, committed women or women otherwise getting dressed up going out dancing, when they know before they leave home that no numbers taken during the course of the night will be used or that fake numbers will be given out. Sorry there is a difference. The difference being that in one situation the ladies know before they even get to the club that there will be no calls returned or/and fake numbers will be used. Neither of these instances really matter in the grand scheme.

    We all have different expectations. For some, our hearts (even just a little bit) may be attached to the exchange of numbers. With others the extension and acceptance of dancing proposals gets them hoping even again if just a little bit because asking someone to dance is a bit harder than asking for a number that might be fake.

    The heart's primary purpose is to tell the owner the truth of the moment; what we really care about, in kind telling us what we need to protect: ourselves. Many of us are out there putting our feelings on the line, knowing full well what might hurt us, all the while feigning (otherwise known as deception) invulnerability. Sadly, there are even some cats who really wants to call a beautiful girl who's number he was blessed with the night before, but he won't because he'd rather make a point to his boys. In this he's not being a good steward to his own emotions, but then what would the relationship look like even if he calls and yet lives to prove points to his boy? In the final analysis she might rather that he not call at all than spend her time dating this dude living by the whims of his friends.

  4. Preternatural -- I appreciate your insight. It seems that ultimately, both men and women have a hard time reading each other, thus leading to lack of authenticity. Truthfully, it's all these conditions and parameters we place on relationships that does more harm than good... Thus making both sides skeptical.

    At most, we should focus on being as truly authentic as we can with someone on the off chance that maybe, just maybe, they feel the same way. In which case, there's no confusion about what someone wants from us when we meet them -- then, leave the rest up to chance.