Saturday, October 31, 2009

Playing the Field

While I've by and large become comfortable with my single status, I have quite a few friends that aren't quite so in love with it. So, when you're in a big city and always out with them... Let's just say it's an ongoing man hunt. And when the nights don't always pan out like you planned, sometimes you just need to fall back on someone who can make a cold night warmer after the field has been rough to you on a Saturday night.

I know I've had my share of those, but what happens when you want your fall back to stick around for the long haul?

My friend Marisol (often my partner in crime and was the friend I was with during the Jerk encounter), I would say, has one of these situations. Honestly, I don't blame her. He -- or, Will, as I'll call him -- is very attractive. Young, but definitely good looking. He's sweet and at first meeting is kind of quiet. Maybe that was part of his draw, I'm not sure. Anyway, Will's been that on and off for a while and she likes it. At first it was all hot and heavy and then his presence just became less and less... He was here for a while, gone for a bit... Fickle even. But she didn't always seem to mind. Because eventually, he always came around. And it was always fun again.

Now me? I see Will and think of guys like my brother, who, before he settled down with his wife, was notorious for doing his own thing and not being the "settling down" kind of guy. He was always in and out, enough to keep a woman wondering and working for his attention. And boy did they. That was before cell phones were common (I mean hey, that ONLY happened in the last 10 years!) so they rang the home phone curious as to his whereabouts. And some of them even tried to befriend me as his little sister. But I knew the routine.

Eventually, when he started dating his current better half, all the other women seemed to fade. He stopped returning their calls and didn't make plans with other women. Suddenly, he was always with her -- the "one." I saw that transformation happen and I realized that with my brother and his wife, it was easy. He was just there. He didn't disappear. He wasn't fickle.

Ultimately -- and this is me trying to get into a man's head -- my guess is that when they want to be around, they will. Otherwise, they're playing the field. They're simple that way.

I don't know if it's possible to turn an "on occasion" type of guy into a long-term. But doesn't sound like a challenge I want.

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Two Sides of a Lady

Earlier this week I went into a store that exudes sexy: Victoria's Secret. As a popular spot for women, and a dream for men, the store offers products and luxuries that romanticize sensuality in such a way that you can't help but feel attractive and appealing. (That I would attribute in large part to great marketing plus a simple concept that EVERYONE is interested in)

I went mostly to do a little looking and possibly also do a little shopping, amused by all the men I noticed with their girlfriends. In most cases it seemed to be the same thing: the woman would hold something up and the man would determine whether or not he was interested based on the look on his face.

Anyway, at that point I started to think about the point of shopping for these types of things. While I've never been with any of my boyfriends to shop for my intimate apparel, I've certainly had one or two that allude to it or reference "Vicky's" when talking about underwear in general. "I think it's hot when my woman can look so sweet yet so sexy behind closed doors," an old boyfriend told me once. "It's like that Usher song: a man wants a lady in the street but a freak in the bed."

And that, to me, was clear as day. The great thing about stores like VS is that they allow you to live a little bit of that fantasy in a private way. Those undergarments can make someone feel sexy, "angelic" (as one of their collections would suggest) or turn someone on, and it's a thing that almost no one needs to know. It makes it fine to embrace that side of us, while still maintaining a demeanor.

Everyone has their own definition of what is sexy, so admittedly, I think the line is still a little blurry. But, it's about what you're comfortable with and letting that be your compass. After all, stores like Vicky's (or Fredericks of Hollywood if that strikes your fancy) will always be there to fill the void whenever you feel you need a little spice.

So... Sweet, Sexy or both?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Online Profiles = Peacocking?

So, a little while ago, my post on the Confidence Factor sparked a lot of discussion about The Game by Neil Strauss. Since that post I moved mountains to get it. (OK, well not really, but I did go to the library a lot)

[Note: Women, I encourage you to get it. It would put a GREAT deal of perspective when it comes to men on the dating scene, making you hip to the game, and maybe even teach you how to navigate the scene. But I digress.]

While I'm not done with the book (but am VERY amused and plan to TOTALLY delve into that here) I did see something that caught my attention: "Peacocking." In essence, it's the art of dressing yourself up in a way that you stand out to your object of affection.

Think about it. Things that stand out at you draw your attention. And that is ESPECIALLY true of online dating profiles. What catches your eye?

OK Cupid is giving people a chance to tell them just that through its Best Online Dating Profile contest. You can vote for the profile that stands out to you - or maybe even find some faces that make you want to join? Either way, vote for your faves, or feel free to enter it yourself. You never know what you'll find...

Disclaimer: This contest is a co-promotion by SurveyGizmo.com and 2ChicksINC and is sponsored by OkCupid.

Other blogs include: Lostplum; Little Miss Sarcasm; Suddenly Singles; Midtown Girl; Single Gal in the City; Rantings of a Single Girl; 20-forty.com; KB in NYC; Single City Guy; Your Dating Tales; You Make My Date; Not Your Mother’s Playground; Dating and Mating in America; Love in the Dumps; Swimming with Sharks; It Was Over When; Notes from the Dating Trenches

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Digit Game & Delaying Gratification

I was talking to my friend Marisol, who had a bone to pick about the whole dating game: why the man she gave her number to (and seemed quite interested in her) hasn't called since giving him her number three days ago.

This is an age old question with no perfect answer, in my opinion. But, when she was telling me about her issue, I started to really think: Do you want a guy ringing your phone off the bat? Isn't some of it the fun in all this is when he'll call if he does call? And, at least for me, I like a man that can keep me interested at first. "Overeagerness" is a turnoff.

Then I thought of relationship expert Wendy Walsh, author of The Boyfriend Test. Now, personally, I've never read her books (but trying to borrow one from the library), and I do have a mixed opinion about dating books. But, she had some great videos on the "on demand" section for my cable provider that I honestly watched one time too many (check out the Telephone Test - applicable to this post). Also discovered that she's set up on You Tube, too!

Anyway, one of the points she makes is about delaying gratification -- a very logical theory. In short, you want to be with someone that isn't overly eager... Someone that can wait to be with you, but also has things going for himself without you. Essentially she sheds a little light on why it may be a little weird to have a guy calling you so soon after meeting you, and honestly I can appreciate that thought.

I know I want it both ways. I want a man that can keep me on my toes but just be honest if he likes me, too. I think the lesson here is that maybe, just maybe, it's worth enjoying the beginning when the chase is fresh. Thing is, if he's worth it at all, he'll do some of that initial lifting. And, that includes calling you, not keeping you in the dark about how he feels and working to get your attention. I mean, would you want a man that didn't work a little?

Besides, I would imagine most men appreciate the chase a little. They like feeling rewarded.

But that's another post. :-)



Sunday, October 25, 2009

A Lady's Man

(Note: The title of this post is intentional)

When I go out, the goal is to typically have a good time with my girls and if I'm lucky, a couple of cute, single guys. Now, that's not my mission, but if it happens, why not, right? I'll just roll with it.

So, how does the equation change when you meet guys with girlfriends?

Now obviously I don't advocate (nor have I ever) being the "other" or disregarding someone's relationship. Not even close. But I don't know how OK I feel with even doing the flirting thing with another woman's man.

Here's the deal: this past Saturday, I was out with my often "going out" friend who I'll call Marisol. We were out with her sister Suzie having a good time, and ended up socializing with another party that was happening at the same bar.

While we were there, we ended up meeting a group of guys and having such a great laugh. Not dreamboats, but definitely sweet, adorable and funny as heck. Anyway, over the course of the night, while laughing and chatting with one guy I'll call Brian, I made a comment about enjoying the single life. That's when one of Brian's friends, Stuart, told us we were talking to the wrong crowd, since most of these guys were taken. Sheepishly, Brian nodded his head in agreement, admitting to the fact that he did have a girlfriend of three years waiting at home.

At this point, while I was a little surprised, the thought in my head wasn't disappointment - it was curiosity. I wondered how many of my past boyfriends had flirted with and bought drinks for other women when we weren't together. Now, realizing how easy it was for Brian and his friends to latch on to and flirt with my group, I'm sure it's often. But, honestly, I'd never given it too much thought before, assuming that having a man to myself would mean he doesn't need the attention of another. (Oh, how naive that thought was!)

Truth? I don't often find a man with a girlfriend hot. Instead, I find myself wondering what's not working at home that even if it's casual, he seems to feel the need to flirt with me. Sure, flirting is fun. But, it's (typically) done with the intention of building off of it into something with potential. Or rather, that's how it makes sense, doesn't it?

Not sure. At the end of the day, I kind of prefer "Unattached" on my list of flirting criteria. That way, if I seem to be into a guy after an evening of subtle suggestions and looks, I'm not disappointed when he ends up in the arms of his girlfriend at the end of the night, while I end up with my teddy or hanging out with two other guys: Ben & Jerry (Cherry Garcia Low Fat Fro Yo, when possible).