Friday, December 4, 2009

Before Taking it To Bed

I remember the first time I got past second base with a guy, in my teens. I agonized over it for days, asking myself all sorts of questions: Is he my boyfriend now? Did he enjoy it? Will he break up with me? Was it too fast?

Of course, these always seem to fade and the thrill of it all is always more important than what happens afterward. (Personally, I can't seem to remember what all the hype was about back then.)

As I got older and the realities of sex entered the picture, I realized that each time I decided to take my relationship with a guy to the next level, the physical mattered a lot more than I ever thought possible, and in a different way.

I had one situation with a guy, The Casanova, who admittedly swept me off my feet instantly. And, because it was new, he was HOT and I wanted to pique his interest, I spent a couple of weeks agonizing what I needed to do to keep him interested -- and how elevating the relationship on a sexual level would change the game for us. So, I asked myself a whole new set of questions, with more grown up ones emerging: How much time should I wait before taking it there? Does this have long term potential? Can I trust him? Who else has he been with? What did it mean? Will he see me differently?

I remembered dissecting the decision for quite some time before it happened a month later. And, even though it was a great time (and he's tried to pursue a physical connection with me as late as last weekend), everything else fizzled out. And, the kicker? I don't think any amount of time I held out would have changed the outcome. Simply put, 90 Days or 9 Days wouldn't have changed the fact that we became a physical relationship.

That's why, when I came across a post by @SingleCityGuy about the "90 Day Rule" I couldn't help but find it interesting. Based on some ideas by Steve Harvey, the 90 Day Rule (which I appreciate) creates a benchmark for how long you make someone wait before letting the relationship escalate to a sexual level. And, while 90 Days may be a bit long in my book, I think the core idea is there: if they're willing to wait for you to figure out what you want, then they may be worth it. After all, you get the chance to really break down what you're feeling and whether you're into the person enough to be around in the morning.

These days, when it comes to deciding how and when I'll take a relationship to a physical level, I let my brain do the "critical thinking." But in the end, I trust my gut. I still don't like to rush... But I run with it. I trust my feelings and ask myself a whole new set of questions: Do I feel a spark? Will I feel good about myself after it happens? Do we have more to talk about than the superficial? Am I having a good time? Do I trust him?

While I think time an important factor to consider (you gotta have something to look forward to), I try not to let that be my only guide. Instead, I made each decision based on my vibes from the guy, individual situation and time we spend together. Then I let the chips fall where they may.

Song: In honor of this post, I'm going to link to the ever sexy J. Holiday video, "Bed." And, if you need the lyrics? Check them out @ Any Song Lyrics.

Image Credit: iStockPhoto

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