YES, I know. Opening up a can a worms when you should just leave well enough alone is an ugly, and often unnecessary thing to do. But, call me a glutton for punishment, it's something I can't help.
Anyway, since becoming a "grown up" (and I use that term loosely), my past has come back to bite me in the fanny several times. From old college flames to elementary school crushes (let's NOT go there now) I always seem to find a way to let it back into my life. But then there's high school.
It's bad enough that high school is ALWAYS intense. I mean how can it not be during that phase of your life? Everything seems so... Important. But then bring it back into your life and you find yourself being transported back into that period and for no apparent reason.
Just recently, it's been resurfacing in the worst way. First there was an old "boyfriend" of sorts that just randomly started to IM me and at first it was kind of fun. Then it just got weird because we seem so connected to stuff that happened 10 years ago. I promptly had to slow down those conversations.
Then there was the ex boyfriend. You know what I mean: the bad boy that cheated on me in high school, brought another girl to prom and even got engaged to another person -- but still found time to call you and tell you he loved you, at the exact moment his life seems to be crumbling. I got hip to that game REAL quick and pretty much pushed off those advances. I think he was intoxicated with who I was all those years ago and couldn't seem to let that go. And then the second things got better, he's suddenly over it (wonder why!).
Now, it's my first high school crush in the picture. Granted, he and I were never any more than friends (timing was NEVER right), he pops up and makes me feel giddy inside all over again. Suddenly, we're on the phone like school kids, texting and e-mailing like crazy, doing the video phone thing... And for a while I feel like I'm 15 all over again, when you crushes made you feel like ALL was right with the world, even if you had a trigonometry test during first period.
But, as I think about it, it sinks in that so much has changed. I mean, we've missed more than a decade of each other's lives, and a lot has happened - I'm a career girl, flying solo, dating often and not quite ready to settle down. He's been engaged, has a child and lives nearly 800 miles away, starting over after an ugly break-up.
Here's the truth: in the couple of months we've reconnected, it still feels awesome - like we click so well, maybe even better than we ever could have as teens (I guess that's growing up for you). But on the other hand... It's like we're worlds apart and no feelings in the world can bridge that gap.
I'm finding that the more time we talk and get to know each other again, the more I want to believe that maybe second chances happen. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't meant in high school but we can do it this time. But I don't know if that's the hopeful side of me or if it really does happen.
All I know is that he's sure he knows how he feels. But as for me? This is one I don't quite have figured out... So I may have to shove logic aside for this one and just go with my gut.
Sheesh. What a concept.