Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Confidence Factor

So here's the thing: as a woman, I have my waves of doubt when it comes to my looks - I mean, who doesn't? Male or female, that's normal. But, I've prided myself on being comfortable with who I am at the end of the day. I have what I have so I should really appreciate and like the way I look. Besides, I know I find confidence to be sexy trait in who I date.

But, I was out on a Saturday night when -- for a brief moment -- I was thrown off my confidence game. This one guy seemed to be doting on a friend of mine and me at the same time, I guess testing the waters to see who he liked more. The three of us were there, having a good time, when one of his friends (who I'll call "the Jerk") came over to us and told me, rather abruptly, that my friend was cuter than I was. Just like that.

Now, I have to admit, this threw me for a loop and I had to FIGHT from kicking his ass right then and there. So instead, I smiled and told him, "Well, I guess that's a matter of opinion, but I've certainly had no complaints." Then, to add a bit of humor to it all (for me anyway), I shook my head and told him: "And I'm honored to be talking to the hottest thing in here. I mean, I can tell by the swarm of ladies around us right now." Raising one eyebrow, I walked back to join to my friend, his friend and a couple of other people that had joined the group.

I know, I know -- cold, right? Well, this is one of those cases where I'll need to revisit my elementary school roots and say "He started it." I mean, how do you say that to a woman on a Saturday night? I mean, that's enough to make anyone doubt themselves, including people usually pretty confident. And I know I was thrown off for a bit - until I got a little boost with messages from two old flames who were hell bent on seeing me that night, and had drinks sent to me from an even cuter guy I met at the bar. (Seriously, though. It was like crazy how it all worked out.)

I won't even go into my theories on the Jerk's commentary. Besides, in my experience, my issue isn't getting a date - it's how to blow off the ones I'm not interested in.

Point here? A huge part of presenting yourself to the opposite gender has plenty to do with confidence. Don't you notice how the "not so hot" guys can end up with a hot lady? Yeah, that's confidence factor. And, holding onto it can really be the backbone of any person's game.

I'm still not swimming in it, but I certainly have enough to hold my own. Oh, and then there's my killer pair of dimples, which doesn't hurt. :-)


  1. Hee hee @ "killer dimples". That is the truth fo sho. Great post, JN. Confidence is key, as these jokers will come at us any time, anywhere. Cut down to build up. Losers.

  2. Jerk probably liked you and was trying to hook you into proving him wrong. Bravo for not taking the bait

  3. yeah he was definitely a jerk....but definitely had big balls...who says things like that and think it's ok?!?!??

  4. do you realize what this man was trying to do to you? he was using "the game" on you. if you have some time, you should read it.

    honestly, it was AMAZING how much i learned about the way men are taught to socialize with women and where to catch them in their game. definitely a must read.

  5. Thanks, HurricanesFan and missDTM. I haven't read The Game, so forgive my ignorance... But how would that HELP? I mean, I saw VH1's "The Pick Up Artist" but those games did nothing for me, really.

    I guess the only way it seems logical is by tapping into insecurities a woman may have about herself. If she's not too comfortable in her own skin, she'll work overdrive to prove how "hot" she is. But even then, that reverse psychology doesn't seem to make sense - I mean the problem with that tactic is that the girl you want can get completely turned off. And then you're left without a date, so what good was it?

  6. He went too far with his "neg" and ruined his own game. If he would have been more creative and challeged you to refute a less insulting neg you would have taken the bait. I'd have to respectfully disagree with missDTM however, the Game evolved as an effective tool to meet strangers because of how women generally react to men trying to break the ice, not the other way around. It is field tested, my ratios(attempts/first dates) are better implementing these tactics than just being my good looking and well mannered self.

  7. Thanks, Hurricanes. I do recall the concept of the "neg" from my reality TV watching... But I guess what I can't fathom is how it actually manages to work. I know I'm making a trip to the library to check out this book and read more about the process and find out. Sounds like I'll learn a lot...

  8. Essentially you say something that puts them on the defensive and requires them to prove their value and disprove your statement. That is more entertaining to women than going through the motions of a formal introduction. Thus since the woman is more entertained by your dialog than Johnny Manner's typical "hi my name is Johnny Manners, whats your name" approach she chooses to talk to you instead.

  9. Hmmm. I see. Seems really backhanded. Maybe I'm old school or more direct, but that's the kind of thing that would irritate me. Seems so indirect. But it seems that people are making quite the living off of it so it must work. The one thing this doesn't do (or so I think) is that it doesn't take raw chemistry/attraction into account. I know that's still a biggie for me, though, regardless of what "openers" or "negs" a guy uses.

    The thing about Jerk? I may have actually spoken to him if he didn't say that because I did find him physically attractive.

  10. he's probably terrible in the sack. i'm just saying...

  11. ummm, for the record, hurricanesfan2004, i don't find the game to actually be something that i personally fall for. i have had men try to use these tactics on me and my reaction is always the same--they come across as CORNY to me. it would be a better use of their time to actually engage me in a conversation, rather than PLAY games with me.

    obviously this man's attempt to talk to the analytical diva didn't work either. so when using the game, men really should think about the type of woman they are trying to talk to and not just run the same lines on the same women. it's a #fail in my book.

  12. Most of them are corny, clearly Jerk fell into that category. Both parties lost that game, though I would give the Diva "points" for her clever remarks.

    Not everyone who uses icebreaking tactics has bad intentions. These tactics just tend to work better in some settings with some people.

    missDTM also brought up a point I'd like to touch on. The universally accepted idea that playing games is a bad thing. Dating really is a game, denying that fact is to ignore reality. If people painted their objectives on their foreheads perhaps it would be easier but then how much fun would this whole thing be.
    I'd imagine that you'd get pretty bored and wouldn't be challenged at all to someone who showed you all of their cards up front. The reason that analogy is commonly used when describing relationships and social situations is because life is A GAME.

    Once you recognize that life is A Game you learn the rules, acknowledge reality and adjust your expectations. If you have any further questions, listen to Frank Sinatra's hit "That's Life"

  13. Bottom line is I was with the analytical diva and whether or not he was intentionally or unintentionally playing a game he's still a jerk. The thought that anyone would think that completely insulting someone would get them to take a 2nd look at you or give you the time of day is asinine!