Where did The Relationship Diva Go?

Hi there!

So where have I been? In the midst of travels and well, just life -- The Relationship Diva has been going through some very wonderful things. And, one of those very exciting things: It's got a new home  on ChicagoNow, a great online community in Chicago. To learn more about them, click here.

This in no way means that The Relationship Diva is over! On the contrary -- it just means that it's got a great new home with a new look! So, to continue reading about The RD's dating highs, lows and learnings along the way, just head over to http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/the-relationship-diva/ or chicagonow.com/therelationshipdiva!

And, if you ever need to reference past stories, don't worry -- this page is staying right here. So you can always come back  to visit the archives before catching up on The RD's current events at ChicagoNow! 

So, please show some love to The Relationship Diva at its new home.

Thanks for reading and I can't wait to connect with you soon...

Signed,

The RD

The Flipside to Unfriending

It blows my mind how many ways there are to stay connected to someone: calling, texting, e-mail... And now with the advent of social media tools like Twitter and Facebook which you can usually do ALL off of your mobile phone, it's virtually impossible NOT to know what someone is doing by just moving through a few clicks. Really it's genius. Log in for 10 minutes and you know who's getting married, what parties are happening all across the U.S., what people are feeding their imaginary pets, and when they've decided to "Like" that random movie or a new phone they want to buy. Basically, TMI with a crazy busy interface.

Anyway, acknowledging all this, I kind of dig the fact that there is some choice in who you follow, whose updates you get and so forth. And in extreme cases, enter the "unfriend" function (how cool is it that it was the Word of 2009?). Someone you barely know driving you nuts? Have a rough break-up? That's the ticket -- removing them from your friends automatically makes them vanish and creates a filter for you.

Another way I've discovered this really works? When it comes to dealing with old flames and/or exes. I discovered this the hard way not too long ago with Jason. While things are simmering between us, it comes and goes, and I've allowed myself to bob and weave against my better judgment.

I also found that as he started to surface again in my life, I let myself keep up with him through things like Facebook. I mean, it's normal to check on your friend's profiles, write  messages on their Walls, comment on photos... But maybe not as much when you've got a wacky romantic history like he and I do.

Now this next part's hard to admit, but I have to in order to make sense of what I learned...

Soon, I found myself going to his page more than even I liked. And when I spotted several pictures of him and a cutesy brunette, I froze up a bit. Suddenly, I found myself dealing with a pang of jealousy thinking of a girl that seemed quite close to him... In a way that I hoped he'd see me. And that's when I felt like someone that gave too much of a damn -- more than I certainly like. So last night, after bobbing back and forth, I used the unfriend function. (Only the third time since I've been on the networking site)

Granted, it was bugging me to do... And I am wondering whether that brunette was the one he was with during one of our separation spells. But, what I realized here is that I like my sanity more. So, checking his page will not help matters any nor will it undo what's happened before me. 

If we do figure things out with us, then with a little time, I'm OK with being friends on the page again.  Besides, there are several ways to stay in touch. For now, I'm just giving myself one less avenue in which to do it... And if he wants to be friends again on any level... Well, I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it.

Photo Credit: Adam Borkowski/PhotoXpress

Basic Instincts (Or, Missing the Mark)

Oftentimes, when we like someone, we're quick to see all the good -- and many times, sweep any of the little "negatives" (which should be flags) under the rug. Instead, we'll indulge in the nice things like their looks or physical chemistry but brush aside the flags, such as the way they don't call when they say they will, seem to mooch off others or vanish and reappear in our lives... 

I mean, it's like throwing darts at a target and missing the bulls eye: MISS: A guy who has mommy issues... MISS: A guy that sponges off others..... MISS: A guy that doesn't call... MISS: A guy that's afraid of monogamy... MISS: A guy who's too into the physical and not much else... You see where I'm going.


Basically, it's these and similar types of traits that should tell us that a person may not be the best choice for us. BUT, many times, we ignore what our instincts tell us because we want to be wrong or just crave the temporary companionship.

Anyway, I can think of many a time I've ignored my instincts to let a guy back in my life that just shouldn't be, such as the repeat issue with the Casanova or most recently, even Jason... Guys with which I had an amazing physical chemistry (or something equally superficial), but never seems to evolve into anything more. Did I want it to be more? Very much so. But soon enough, I learned that in the same way that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so you can't make a guy be what he doesn't want to be. So no seduction or randomly "fun" moments are enough to sustain a guy's interest... Which means if he wants to be there for a potential romantic interest, he will.

So what it boiled down to for me? Trust my instincts when I have a bad feeling about a guy. Sure, you need to watch for the fine line between locking your heart down and being too open-minded (I know I do!). But, the second there's a bad instinct about a guy... Maybe it's time to ignore the butterflies and pay attention to those signs. That way, there's a better chance on saving on a little heartache.

PhotoCredit: PhotoXpress

The Liquor Made Me Do It!

Memorial Day Weekend, the unofficial gateway to summer, is known for the warm weather, great cookouts, crazy bar scenes and if you're lucky, cute guys or girls to help you kick off a fun new season.

It's this very feeling I had this weekend while my cousin, Josie, came into the Windy City. My mind was set on having a good time, keeping my thoughts off of Jason (while I let that one unfold on its own), enjoy a possible flirtation or two at best and just enjoying my 20s while I still have them. Sounds like a formula for success, right?

Yes, well, what happened instead was a story I can only say is a prime example reinforcing the drama alcohol can cause. 

Towards the end of the night, Josie and I stopped at a bar just a couple of blocks away from my apartment, simply to have a few beers and wind down from the roaming around we'd done. Anyway, not too long after getting our drinks, a very cute guy with a nice build and somewhat scruffy beard wanders over to us and immediately chatted us up. He told us he was from the Midwest and a former military boy, having come in town with his girlfriend for the holiday. However, that night he was rebelling because he got into a fight with his other half, leaving her in the hotel room alone. Listening to him talk, we figured he was a little drunk, which amused Josie and me --- for a moment.

Anyway, he soon starts getting too friendly as he abruptly proceeds to tell me how attractive he finds me, that he finds my brown skin attractive, that I could pull down his pants to check him out because I wouldn't be disappointed by what he had to "offer"... And that's when he put his arm around my shoulder and tries to reached for my breast. 


At this point Josie immediately shoves him off of me and he proceeds to embrace me again. This time I shrug him off, obviously turned off but wanting to be careful in case he got more aggressive. And, it was when I got him off of me that his phone went off -- with a text message from his girlfriend telling him to come back to the hotel room because all she wanted to do was be with him. He kept saying he didn't want to be with her, that he wanted to be with me and proceeds once again to grope me before I once again gently shrug him off.


Soon, the bar closes and Josie and I manage to slip out of the bar without him catching us. Whew!

Creepy, I know... But, in thinking about it after the fact, two things became even clearer than ever to remind me why dating and extreme drinking just don't mix:

(a) There are things you just can't take back: I wouldn't be surprised if later that night, the guy headed back into his hotel room and either passed out or had sex with his girlfriend. And, I wouldn't be surprised if in the morning he had no recollection of the night before. But, what would or could have happened if he met a woman that was receptive to his advances and had taken him home? Would the sex or a make-out session with a random stranger be worth damaging what he has with his girlfriend?

(b) The Scary Factor: Sure, the guy was cute. But, as the night progressed and his hands started to roam free, he quickly became that creepy guy (you know -- the ones you see on Law & Order: SVU). Which means he was a little less than predictable, making even a potential hook-up run for the hills.

The point? A nice glass of wine or a cold beer can definitely round out a nice night and I am all for that (and could add a nice touch when you're home with someone special, too). But over the top drinking? Well, that can be a buzz kill -- real quick.


See, now that's a case to stay sober on a Friday night... Or at least be out with a group of people that can help make sure you behave when you're kicking 'em back.


Photo Credit: Bram Meijer/PhotoXpress

Red Light, Green Light, Bad Boy, Good Man

So you know when you're a kid and your mom tells you something is bad, like not looking both ways before you cross the street or playing too close to fire? And you remember and know the lesson but you can't help but be curious about how hot that fire is or think that it's lame to ALWAYS look both ways if no traffic is coming? Good advice. But do we always follow that in our dating lives?

Well, let's think about. More often than we should, we accommodate the bad boys (this includes but is not limited to: drunks, cheaters, workaholics, emotionally distant, socially awkward, commitment-phobes, verbally or emotionally abusive, narcissistic... Well you get it). But in reality, what say we really want are the good ones, which we need to spot through the blinders (this includes but is not limited to: hard workers, family-oriented, passionate, sensitive, loyal, patient, responsive, good-listeners, etc.) Ah, if only.

And then there are times when you need to tread lightly when you're not sure off the bat. (Kind of like the situation with Jason -- need a little time to figure out IF he fits into my life.)

Theoretically, we should all be able to tell the difference. But what if other things, like physical attractiveness, status and chemistry blind our paths? It's easy to be seduced by great clothes, amazing bodies, impressive jobs and salaries, material things or passionate sex... But how about the things that last when these things change, go away, or lose their shiny factor?

The question here?  How realistic are we about our expectations of a potential mate just because of what they "seem" to offer? Sometimes, it's like we assume that because a potential mate has all these "sexy, desirable" qualities, then it makes them mate material. Do "desired" qualities like job or education or money equate to a loyal, trusting partner? Absolutely not. Of course they're nice-to-haves (or must-haves, depending on how strongly you feel about it); and of course, it doesn't mean that mates that have all this wouldn't be great partners. It just means we should pay closer attention to what we really want (which is something Andrea Syrtash addresses in her book, "He's Just Not Your Type" -- good read!) and NOT love the drama with the ones that we know could never be.

Personally, I still struggle with being honest with myself. But by looking both ways before I cross the street -- that is, weeding out the good from the bad and knowing what doesn't work -- maybe I can skip all these red and yellow lights (the guys that will never be) and get a green light -- a clear the path for someone who will be the best fit. Maybe.

Novel idea!