Spring Cleaning

Isn't it a breath of fresh air when you've cleaned out your closet, after realize how much junk you've been collecting -- and for no other reason than you're afraid to throw things away?

I'd say so. And that's the best analogy I had when thinking about exes and what it means to remove their phone numbers in my cell phone. 

See, many people are clutter bugs -- keeping all the old junk because it's comfortable. Heck, I'll own my own clutter tendencies. But, I'm finding that's collecting and cluttering is what you don't want to do when you're trying to move on. And keeping their numbers is a sure example of collecting the excess.

For a while, I tried changing the ex's name to IGNORE, so if the number called me, I knew it was someone I should not be speaking to. But, that didn't work all that well either, given the fact that I KNEW the number, thus allowing me to stay in touch if I wanted. 

So when Casanova reached out -- and I responded -- I considered doing a bit of housekeeping... And, then, when I started getting super short answers from Jackson, and slow/no responses from Lionel, I realized it was high time I purge the phone book of the men that likely won't be resurfacing in my life.

So in one shot, Jackson, Lionel and the Casanova disappeared from my phone book. (We were actually rooting for Jackson, right? Yeah...)

Now, I know it doesn't seem like much. But for me, the ability to delete them is symbolic, in a way. Basically, it states that I won't give anyone the time that doesn't give me the time -- sticking to the principle that silence does indeed speak volumes.


Image Credit: Angela Kohler/Photoxpress

The Non-Negotiables

Just this week, Marisol and I were having some dinner when we spent some time talking about one of her colleagues, Shelly (who I've been out with before), and some of her recent dating experiences. This opened up the floodgates for Marisol and I to discuss the deal breakers. You know -- what you will not give on when dating someone. 

Later that night and since then, I've found myself thinking about that very thing. What are my "deal breakers" when dating someone?

Truth is, I think it's a good thing to have those set things you need in a companion: if you know yourself, then you know what you will and won't be happy with -- thus reducing the chances of you lowering your standards. What good is it if you compromise what you want for what you think you can live with? That's no fun.

For me, based on the plethora of stories I've shared on this blog, I've started to consider the times I've compromised, and the times I haven't yielded, realizing that I've been too extreme on either side (too flexible or too unyielding). These days, I find myself shutting down so I don't have to choose at all. 

Either way you go, you set the pace for your own dating fate when you set up too many non-negotiables. So, it may be worth to examine them if you have 'em -- or create them if you don't -- so you're doing the weeding process you need to do for you... It's hard enough to find a mate without us complicating it for ourselves. 


Gotta love the dating rollercoaster.

Photo credit: Photoxpress/mearicon

Crosstown Hook Ups

Earlier this week, I got a text message from the Casanova, who has consistently bobbed in and weaved out of my life. It's been that way since I met him nearly four years ago. But, since I thought he was so hot, I let it go. Besides, you never know when you need someone to just "fill in." 


Anyway, when I sent him a reply to acknowledge the message, he then proceeded to launch into our usual exchange -- trying to get me over to his place to pick up where we left off. I quickly responded, letting him know if he wanted to see me, he would of course, need to try to make it happen: come to me, pick me up (like I used to with him when we hooked up a while back), whatever.


In all honesty, while I've entertained the idea of seeing him (Heck, everyone has weaknesses!) what's kept me away is actually going out there. Then I don't know... I suddenly lose interest.

Don't get it wrong. I'm not typically lazy. And there lots of times I like going over to the guy's place: if we're dating or there's some type of continuity between us... Just something that would indicate another level of familiarity or intimacy. That way, I don't feel quite so seedy leaving in the morning. Granted, guys may not care about this as much. But for me, as a woman, I have to say that leaving a guy's place whom I'll only see once in a blue moon doesn't always feel very great. In fact, it's kind of empty. 


Needless to say we didn't make it work. Which was OK with me. That was when I realized that one of the reasons we'll likely never work out is because neither one of us has been willing to make an effort to actually spend time with each other. Truth is, as hot as he is, since what we have seems to be primarily superficial, I'm not all that invested. So, spending $40 in cabs to see him wouldn't exactly be on my list of priorities. On the other hand, for a man that I see more than once in a while (and makes an effort to see me), then I'd be willing to go out of my way to another part of town -- without being in a rush to split or maybe spend a little more time enjoying his company.


Of course, this is all different than when you're in it for the one-nighter. Then we're talking a whole different ballgame.



Photo Credit: iStockPhoto/SteveGeer

The dangers of being needy

When I first started dating, I was immediately caught up in how I should behave in a new relationship: How often should I call or text? How long should I wait before expressing how I feel? How often do I suggest getting together? Do I call him after the first date or wait for him to follow up?

While this does happen today -- although not nearly as frequently as it did, say five years ago -- I can say I've improved my "radar" on these things, trusting my gut and hoping that if the guy is into me, these rules won't matter. 

Anyway, I can't say that this same philosophy resonates with all the men in my life. For example, I met this guy, Aaron, while on a business trip a little while back. We met in passing so we never really got to talk. But, given the fact that he was pretty adorable, I gave him my number to trade a couple of texts. And, when I left the following day, I assumed that was the end of it. Boy was that wrong.

Since then, he's been incessantly texting me, and all sorts of messages that I guess can be seen as romantic for some -- but to me seem a little needier than I prefer my men to be... They include him talking about how he love my "aura," believes that meeting me was "destiny," is in love with my eyes (for the two seconds he saw them) since they're the "window to the soul"...

Yes, yes -- I KNOW. How cliche.

I've questioned his authenticity REPEATEDLY, but unless he's putting up really good game (which isn't working), I'd say that he's bordering on trying too hard and being a bit too attached.

Now, this attention isn't something I'm used to. However, now that I'm experiencing it, I'm realizing that there really is a such thing as too much.

I can't say that I see a future with Aaron and myself, considering our distance of hundreds of miles and his overly proclaiming his interest in me without as so much as knowing my last name. However, by talking to him, I have been given a gentle reminder of what it looks like when you get too intense. And if that prevents me from scaring away a potential mate, then I'm quite all right with that.

Image Credit: Photoxpress

Ghosts of Lovers Past

A few nights ago, I was walking home from a long day out and out when I bumped into someone that made me do a double take -- Lionel. As a bit of context, I met him and we went out on a mostly rockin' date. Then things turned.... Eh, not so great. Despite it, I still liked him, and I'd always imagined what could happen if we got over the little hurdle of an icky first date.


Anyway, later that night, I found myself thinking about the "What Ifs" and wondering how the order of the men in my life have impacted how I've treated the ones after them: Did I tolerate Reggie, Juan or the Casanova because I was still reeling from the difficulty of losing Charles? Or was I scared of Dave because of the possibility of what could happen between us?


My mind drifted over the moments (and I mean ALL of the moments) with old flames, reflecting on the past issues, the questions and the "What Ifs" that haunt someone when taking up with someone new. Each time, a little bit of the previous relationship is left behind -- or kind of like "ghosts" of your exes.


Is it possible to move on? Of course it is. People do it every day. It's like an exorcisms after a break-up. Heck, that's what recovery is about. But, in the same turn, is it possible to really blast all remnants of lovers past?


So far, I haven't been able to escape those ghosts -- well, not fully. I still fantasize about my times with Charles every so often, or dream about the maybes with Juan. I also still wonder what would happen if things with Lionel ever picked up again.  


Instead of trying to run from my old flames, I aim to make peace with parts of my past: accept a situation for what it is, make no current love interest responsible for old experiences and hold on to the fun things as sweet and savory memories so I can appreciate the relationship for what it was.


What I'm making a practice of is trying not to use one dating example as completely absolute of all future dating situations. Otherwise, no man stands a chance. 




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